Flicks most fowl

Lou Lumenick
Blog: Movies

As Jennifer Lopez said to Ben Affleck in the notorious “Gigli”: “It’s turkey time. Gobble, gobble.”

Put on a napkin and get ready to feast on The Post’s Turkey Movie Awards, honoring Hollywood’s most dubious cinematic achievements of the past year.

Lopez and Affleck are thankfully semi-retired from movies these days, and last year’s winner, Al Pacino, stayed home to count his money and polish his Oscar. But there was no shortage

of cinematic butterballs greasing up megaplexes in 2009.

This year, our top award is shared by a pair of actors whose movies precipitated a purge in the executive suite at Universal Pictures, followed by

Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell

disgusted owner General Electric putting the studio up for sale.

Congratulations to Will Ferrell, whose “Land of the Lost” turned a cheesy ’70s kiddie TV series with dinosaurs into a cheesy, unwatchable comedy.

“Land of the Lost” more than lived up to its name at the box office, but Universal managed to release an even worse comedy that somehow did better.

So Ferrell shares our Golden Turkey with fellow frat-boy humorist Vince Vaughn, who stank up theaters with “Couples Retreat.” Vaughn was the driving force behind this stinker, which seemed like an excuse to give its participants a vacation in Bora Bora on GE’s dime. And we won’t even talk about the river of red ink engulfing the conglomerate because of Judd Apatow’s “Funny People,” with Adam Sandler, um, stretching himself as an obnoxious star of infantile comedies. So who else won a Turkey Award? Read on!

SPEAKING OF ACTORS STRETCHING THEMSELVES: Ashton Kutcher as a boy-toy to an older woman in “Spread.” Compared to Warren Beatty in “Shampoo,” definitely the low-priced spread.

LOVE HURTS, BUT THESE ROMANTIC COMEDIES ARE MORE PAINFUL THAN A ROOT CANAL: Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler went at it in “The Awful Truth,” while Sandra Bullock stalked Bradley Cooper while wearing red boots in the even more awful “All About Steve.”

NO PRIVATE PARTS WERE HARMED DURING THE MAKING OF THIS MOVIE: But viewers risked their sanity while watching Lars von Trier’s ludicrous “Antichrist.”

SICKEST WAY TO SPEND $12: Watching the dying, drug-addled Michael Jackson struggling to sing and dance while surrounded by sycophants in the crassly exploitative “This Is It.”

SOMEWHERE, KARL MARX IS LAUGHING: Michael Moore’s mega-flop “Capitalism: A Love Story,” sponsored by die-hard socialists Sumner Redstone, John Malone and Harvey Weinstein.

EVEN CUTTING SCARLETT JOHANSSON’S SEGMENT DIDN’T HELP: The deadly “New York, I Love You” mostly provided new reasons to hate Natalie Portman, who directed one segment and appeared in another.

MY BIG FAT GREEK FLOPS: Erstwhile Oscar nominee Nia Vardalos had back-to-back romantic disasters with “My Life in Ruins” and the even-worse “I Hate Valentine’s Day,” her inauspicious directorial debut.

NOT BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY SAPPHIRE: “Push,” an inane sci-fi misfire with the immortal Dakota Fanning, last year’s runner-up in the Turkey Awards.

STICK A FORK IN HER: Cameron Diaz may need to speed dial Ben Stiller after the dramatic double whammy of the soapy “My Sister’s Keeper” and Richard Kelly’s inexplicable “The Box.”

THEY SHOULD HAVE USED IT ON THE ENTIRE SCRIPT: Kate Beckinsale was put on ice as a US marshal assigned to Antarctica in the deadly “Whiteout.”

CRASH, BURN, BORE: No third Oscar for Hilary Swank, all dressed up with nowhere to go as Ms. Earhart in Mira Nair’s already-vanished “Amelia.” Even Amy Adams made a better Amelia in “Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian.”

GREED IS GOOD: At least if you’re Michael Douglas, collecting a paycheck for the instantly disappearing remake of the thriller “Beyond a Reasonable Doubt.” Which goes way beyond reasonable.

LOUIS B. MAYER IS ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE: The near-deceased MGM released just one movie in 2009, the virtually unwatchable remake of the great “Fame.”

EVIDENCE THAT NOVELIST-TURNED-SCREENWRITER DAVE EGGERS MAY BE THE ANTICHRIST: The insufferably smug “Away We Go” and the insufferably twee “Where the Wild Things Are”

AND INTRODUCING DEMITRI MARTIN: Whose limp performance and corny acid trip are just the beginning of the problems with Ang Lee’s woefully misconceived, tie-dyed bore “Taking Woodstock.”

AND THOSE ARE THE FUNNY PARTS: In the appalling flop “Year One,” Jack Black tastes dung and Michael Cera hangs upside down and pees on his face.

AND BECAUSE IT JUST WOULDN’T BE A TURKEY LIST WITHOUT THE WEINSTEINS, EVEN IF THEY ARE BARELY IN BUSINESS ANYMORE: “The Reader,” appalling Holocaust porn with Kate Winslet as a Nazi pedophile that was released just after we published last year’s list.

SAVE THE PIECES: Coherence was the first casualty and sanity suffered collateral damage in the brain-dead blockbuster “G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra,” which made “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” sound like “The Godfather” by comparison.

IT SHOULDA BEEN CALLED “MISS DIRECT TO VIDEO”: The unfunny teen T&A fest “Miss February” was retitled “Miss March” for its new dump date.