The centerpiece of town can be summed up in two words (er, four, if you pay respect to both its French and Dutch names; always wise to do): Grand Place / Grote Markt. A giant public square composed of the gothic-towered Town Hall, which somehow survived the French army's great bombardment of 1695, and guild houses (from bakers to boat makers) that weren't so lucky, but were rebuilt over 300 years ago. During the spring and summer, Grand Place is floodlit after sunset - something that should take up ample space on your camera's memory stick.

Beyond Grand Place, what Brussels lacks in historic architecture, it more makes up for it in museums - there are over 40 of them (this is still Europe, after all). One of the coolest is the Musee des Instruments Musique, which has spinet-harpsichords, Tibetan temple bells and 1500 other instruments you'll never hear on "Rockband" (Rue Montagne de la Cour 2). Then take a stroll over to the Centre Belge de la Bande Dessinee, the center for comic-strip art. It's not just an orgy of Herge works - you'll find familiar Yankee superheroes and beagles that pilot their doghouses with nothing but a scarf, too (Rue des Sables 20).

Spending a dog day afternoon in an indie/art film house is a guilty pleasure enjoyed by many a Bruxellois and Flanders alike. If you have no problem sitting through French films with Dutch subtitles, or the other way around, join 'em. A good place to start is Nova Cinema (Rue d'Arenberg street 3).

BELGA QUEEN

It takes a certain kind of latent Bonnie-and-Clyde tendency to appreciate dining in a restored bank building. Beneath stained glass ceilings, this one has even converted a vault into a cigar bar - truly gangster. But the awesome gimmickry aside, the modern Belgian food (waterzooi, to start) and oyster bar are nice too. Talk to anyone who's been here, however, and it's the curious bathrooms they'll bring up first - and not in a bad way (Rue du Fosse-aux-Loups 32).

COMME CHEZ SOI

You really don't have a choice in the matter about whether to visit this 3-michelin-star bistro or not - Chez Soi is a bona fide city monument at this point, and whether you're a fan of the lobster, the roast saddle of lamb, the filet of sole, or just the Art Nouveau stylings you can't hear enough about (or can you?), pull up a seat and make chef Pierre Wynants earn that small mountain of euros he's about to receive. Just don't make the mistake of not making reservations (Place Rouppe 23).

MAISON ANTOINE

After the mussels, the beer and the chocolate, Belgian fries play fourth fiddle - truly criminal because their twice-cooked, crisp golden excellence is good enough to headline in any other city. Make a day out of a friterie/fritkot crawl, starting here. Most agree you can only get different, not better, fries elsewhere. Just get them to go -- you can carry them anywhere that indicates "frites acceptés." (Place Jourdan).

HOTEL AMIGO

What God is to the Sistine Chapel, Tintin is to this Rocco Forte offering - his cartoon imagery is on everything from the bathroom walls to figurines on the night stand. But then you look at the rate card and you realize this place is no j-o-k-e. A celebrity favorite, Amigo is one of the pricier hotels in a town that's grown around well-to-do global bureaucrats, diplomats and other illuminati, so that's saying something. Besides Amigo's stellar location - it sits practically in Grand Place, right next to the bladder-challenged Mannekin Pis - there's lots to love if you can afford it, especially furnishing-wise: silk curtains, ceramic antiques and marble bathrooms. There's WiFi in the public areas and broadband in every room - for a "cost effective" price (groan -- really? Have they seen the rates?). (from, not kidding, $977; hotelamigo.com).

WELCOME HOTEL

An eccentric sort of It's A Small World option on a little street near the old fish market run by a couple of crazy kids who couldn't sleep at night charging $1,000/night. Each of its 14 rooms have a national theme -- Thailand, Japan, India, Bali, Cuba, Kenya, China, Silk Road, Marrakech etc. - and are decorated more-or-less accordingly. Rooms range from the simple "eco" variety w/fan, to pricier suites with A/C, but all have TV and there's (FREE!) WiFi property-wide, just ask for the password at the front desk. Buffet breakfast is also included in the very affordable (see above) rates (from $151; www.brusselshotel.travel).

METROPOLE HOTEL

The only hotel left in Brussels from the 1800s (preservation, schmeservation), Metropole is an attraction in itself, whether you're in possession of a room key or not. What starts in the ridiculously high-ceilinged lobby (you better pray those chandeliers don't ever decide to get all gravitational on you) ends in old-meets-new rooms decked out with classic furniture, yet heated towel racks and in-room WiFi. The juxtaposition will just about blow your mind. Left your laptop on Eurail? There's a business center, too (from $172; metropolehotel.com).

Flights:

Originally built by the Nazis during their occupation of Belgium (allegedly, fed-up locals - who were already occupied by the Germans the first time around during WWI -- tricked Hitler's crew into constructing it on a site notorious for a thick fog), Brussels International Airport today serves some 18 million passengers annually (with no fog-related crashes as of yet-good try, though).

In the aftermath of Belgium's then-national airline Sabena going belly up in 2001, the airport had its share of cash flow problems. But BRU's wounds have healed quite nicely. Currently it's divided up between two piers, A and B, while a third pier devoted entirely to lowfare airlines will open in 2009 (until then, Wizzair and the like fly into Brussels South Charleroi).

Make the 8-hour flight into BRU out of JFK on American Airlines (aa.com), Brussels Airlines (brusselsairlines.us) and Delta (delta.com), or out of Newark on Continental (continental.com) and Jet Airways (jetairways.com).

Ground transportation:

Too tiny for a metro? Bite your tongue, gaijin. If D.C. can have a subway, why can't Brussels? It, along with the so-clean-you-actually-wanna-ride-them trams and buses, are run by the STIB/MIVB transit authority (that French/Dutch acronym is so full of diacritics and double vowels, you don't even want to know). The subway's actually less useful than the trams - some of which run underground. However you go, a ticket on one is a ticket on all. A jump ticket, good for 3 hours, is about $2.34. Or, splurge on a $6 one-day unlimited pass. Unlike the good ol' MTA system, this one closes at 12:30 a.m. Be a good little tourist and study the maps ahead of time: www.mivb.be (click the English tab at the top of the page).

All taxis are metered, and tax/tip are included in the fares (if you make them do something out of the ordinary, feel free to add to it). The only catch is, you can't just hail them anywhere (not the official ones, anyway) - but you'll find taxi stands are on every major street.

Local Lingo:

Street signs can either be written in French, Dutch or both -- the one never seeming to resemble the other in the slightest (is Ter Kamerenbos and Bois de la Cambre really the same park?!). But because beer is to Brussels what rice is to China, focus in on the important vocab. Beer comes predominantly in two flavors - gueuze (bitter) or kriek (sweet, cherry-based). Consider yourself fluent.

What, you're a wine drinker? So order a "half-en-half", a 50/50 concoction of white wine and champagne exclusive to Brussels. Good luck with the migraine.