Cementerio de la Recoleta is where the rich and famous go to die. Scratch that -- it's where they go once they're already dead. The creepy gates, the packs of feral cats that keep watch above ground, and the stone maze of over 6,000 tombs and mausoleums adorned with statues all add to the eerie ambience of Argentina's oldest cemetery (residents first moved in around 1822). To get a plot here among its 13.5 acres, you have to know a guy who knows a guy at the very least - some of the notables are Eva Peron, dictator Facundo Quiroga (buried standing up) and a little girl who famously died twice - the second time while trying to dig herself out the first time (Junin 1760).

Erected in 1936 to mark the 400th anniversary of the city's founding, the Obelisk of Buenos Aires sits smack dab in the heart of it in the Plaza de la Republica. The 220-foot monument is about 300 feet short of the Washington Monument (if that matters to you one way or the other, brush up on your Freud). What's amazing is that it took only about a month to build. Pretty much any excuse will do to get people to gather around it - especially if your favorite soccer team just won.

La Boca - "the mouth" - is BA's most rough and tumble barrio, so-called because it sits at the mouth of La Mantaza River. It attracts tourists for its safer, superficial features like rainbow-colored homes and businesses not unlike what you find in the Caribbean, as well as the very upscale Patagonia Sur restaurant. But what lies beneath La Boca's surface is far more interesting. Originally settled by Italian explorers, the barrio actually seceded back in the 1880s and raised the Genoese flag, much to the chagrin of Argentina's then-president Julio Roca who tore it down with his bare hands. Ever since, La Boca's been a hot bed of left wing politics and rallies. Visit during an election year!

LA BRIGADA

Surrounded by pampas gaucho country as it is, Buenos Aires has more beef than 50 Cent - it's not hard finding a good steak in town; it's hard finding the best steak in town, given the competition. La Brigada, right near an area flea market on Sundays, has to, at the very least, be in the top three. Short on gimmicks because it can be, the place resembles a brew-pub, but acts entirely like a Texas slaughterhouse, serving up huge slabs of beef, one after another. You might not want to ask what the items on the menu translate to until after you're sure you've fully digested -- chinchulines de chivito, e.g., are kid intestines (Estados Unidos 465).

ØLSEN

What the deuce is a Scandinavian joint doing at the opposite end of the world? Doing what O-slashers do best - serving up some of the best herring, smoked salmon and caviar in the free world. The place definitely has a distinct Nordic feel - lots of wood and metal and stone -- but you're not really living large like a Viking until you order off its ridiculously huge vodka list. Skål! (Gorriti 5870).

TANCAT

Citizens of Buenos Aires and Barcelona have at least one thing in common - they both hate Spain's guts. So the fiery Catalan spirit that pervades this place fits right in, as does the tapas. You're looking at grilled bread with garlic, tomato and olive oil, tripe stew, garlic shrimp and lots more to gobble up (Paraguay 645).

PALACIO DUHAU-PARK HYATT

It seems pretty unanimous that this is the best of the new grand hotels in BA. Fittingly set within the ritzy Recoleta district (neighbors include Ralph Lauren and Armani boutiques), Palacio Duhau even has an onsite art gallery. Rooms have marble baths, flat-screens and WiFi (from $410; buenosaires.park.hyatt.com).

ALVEAR PALACE

In that very same upscale part of town, you'll find this older, but maybe wiser swanked-out hotel named for the equally glitzy avenue on which it's perched. Emperors and Emirs check-in right alongside IMDBers, surrounded by lots of French decorative arts, marble, bronze and Egyptian cotton. This is the kind of place you might find a TV screen in the tub, so it's the kind of place you're looking to expense as opposed to forking over for out of pocket. There is, however, high-speed and WiFi in the rooms, and broadband in the business center, in the off chance your work involves such menial labor (from $800; alvearpalace.com).

HOME BUENOS AIRES

In Palermo, you have yourself this little 14-room alt.fun option, co-owned by a music producer and DJ. That translates to a garden BBQ pool area, stereos in every room and lounge bar that plays good music for a change. Ethernet and 5meg WiFi in every room, too (from $120; homebuenosaires.com).

Flights:

You'll fly in to Ministro Pistarini International Airport (EZE), about 14 miles southwest of downtown (but with traffic, that means 30-45 minutes) in the suburb of Ezeiza. Named for famous general and statesman Juan Pistarini, EZE is Aerolineas Argentinas' int'l hub. Currently it's undergoing a $400 million expansion that should wrap by the end of 2008. About a year ago, some local gotcha news team busted a couple of EZE's airport security rent-a-cops stealing iPods, cameras and jewelry from passengers' checked luggage, so Confucius say: pack the good stuff in your carry-ons (sage advice no matter where you're off to -- show me an airport without thieves with badges, and I'll show you an airport that's never seen a plane land).

There's no quick and painless way to fly from NYC to EZE - you're looking at a minimum of 11 hours, and that's if you go with American Airlines, the only airline offering nonstop service from the area (out of JFK; aa.com). Otherwise, you're looking at not-very-fun connections in Miami, Atlanta, Santiago (Chile) or Lima (Peru) with other carriers. To get into town, jump on the 86 bus (it'll take over an hour, but it's literally a couple of cents) or go with a prepaid bus or taxi (www.tiendaleon.com.ar).

Ground transportation:

The Buenos Aires Metro - a.k.a. subte - first opened in 1913, just nine years after New York's. The oldest subway system in the southern hemisphere, it's still the most popular way to go about the city (as it's dirt cheap, some 1.3 million riders use it every day). Subte has 6 lines, A-E and H (F, G and I are planned expansion lines) - each color-coded on easy-to-read maps. You can buy subtepasses in different increments, from 1 ride (22 cents) to 30 ($6.73).

For routes, visit: www.metrovias.com.ar

The bus racket is an interesting phenomena around these parts - they're practically all privately owned. These Colectivos, which number in the hundreds, are highly competitive with one another, so the consumer wins, cheap fare wise. The only drawback is that they don't have to run by government enforced timetables (but most run several buses every hour).

Local mafia are thought to pretty much control the taxis in town, especially the ones that run to the airport and other tourist-minded destinations (not that there's anything wrong with that). If you'd prefer an alternative set of wheels, affordable prepaid limos called remises are best.

Local Lingo:

If you could care less that the citizens of Buenos Aires call themselves porteños (they have a long, proud history of trading as a port city, even if that meant only contraband when Spain tried to make Lima, Peru the only legit South American port in town), then maybe "Dulce de leche" is more up your alley. It's a milk-based syrup that comes in both sauce and candy form that porteños use to spice up cakes, biscuits, flan, ice cream, even toast.